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I guess I should be doing stuff shouldn't I. Sigh.... :)

I "couldn't" get to sleep until 3 and regained consciousness about half an hour ago. Goddamnit, haha. I'd love to beat off but my roommate's asleep just over yonder. I think it'd feel kinda weird. Oh well, if I ever date someone with a cum fetish, they'll be happy if this keeps up.... XD

MEANWHILE I've been really good. My biggest dilemma is what to do if I get that office job (my therapist and sponsor both made really good arguments for it...between the hours and the pay I'm starting to agree with them more and more...).

"o exploitablez!  i can haz 2 jobs--but which should I take??"

As ever, that's all assuming I even get the job.

But I shared at my sort-of home group last night, it's kinda hard to believe, you know? Only a few months ago, when I was still pretty new in the program, I came to the brink of wanting to hurt myself. I'd spent so many years avoiding so many responsibilities and any accountability, and I got good at it. But when I came into the program, I had to face them. And being new and stubborn and stupid, I was trying to work my own program instead of asking for help--I was trying to face all that stuff I'd gotten so good at avoiding on my own, only to find I had no idea how, I'd never learned.

I got to my breaking point when I became fixated on everything I'd done wrong, and all the futile attempts to change that inevitably failed, how long it had gone on like this, further feelings of futility and inevitability as I dwelled on the probably broken syllogism "Unless something changes I can't go on living like this/This shit never changes no matter what I do//I can't go on living". I got to a point of wanting to hurt myself. Closer than I'd been since...well, a really long time ago. It was scary--that I could find that kind of despair and have no idea how to deal with it.

Of course I 'went back out' in april (tho i set my date to may, long story XD); but in the 4 months since I've found a lot of humility and a lot of happiness. I've learned to do what I can and trust the rest to God or a higher power or whatever--it really doesn't matter what as long as I trust it. I've learned to take (healthy) risks to challenge myself and grow. I've learned to appreciate life and those around me, resist passing judgment, accept shit I can't change, and so on.

And some of it was as easy as writing that post a few weeks ago about coming to terms with needing to change, and suddenly things that used to terrify me weren't so overwhelming. I finished my resume, which I'd been sitting on for like 3+ years; I sent it out to, like, 9 craigslist listings. I applied to, like, 12 jobs at a local mall. I've had 4 interviews in the last week, gotten one job with the possibility of getting another. I have an awesome roommate who supports and amazes me. I'm looking around at apartments--mostly for research's sake at this point, but what I've seen has sometimes really amazed me. And I'm happy, mostly. I'm not perfect, I'm only human; boys still turn me down, poetry still frustrates me, stress still gets to me. But I actually enjoy life instead of just living it, perfunctorily.

A couple people told me they were impressed/proud/amazed by the changes I've demonstrated these last few weeks/months, but it wasn't until I was sharing about it last night that it really struck me how much it amazed me. Not even 8 months ago or so I wanted to hurt myself because of the hopelessness and shame I was so overwhelmed by; in the 4 months of working an earnest program as best as I could, I've been able to find the strength to tackle several of the things that used to paralyze me with anxiety, and I've learned to be happy.

Frankly, I think it's pretty badass.


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