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'A Case Of Space Herpes' or 'STDs In Space!' (The Ice Pirates/The Green Slime)

We have something very special this week, kiddies: a double feature!

There is likely much more that could be said about either of these movies—especially The Green Slime, which nearly cost me my life. Or could have. But something got me thinking, and the funny started happening from there. Both movies have STDs. That's right. You're gonna get sick from watching them. Oh, and catch the clap, too.

First a bit about each film.

The Green Slime is a film with all the makings for major congenital birth defects. Yeah, a multinational team of crack experts. Or crack team of experts. Basically take Asteroid and cross it with some self-propogating monster flick...and a space station.... It's funny: I have so much more to say about this film but nothing I can really sum up in a paragraph. Point is, it sucks.

The Ice Pirates is just stupid. One of those movies that tries to be funny and far-out, and fails at either. It left me crying, “Why, Angelica Houston, why!?!”. Did I mention she's in it? Along with a bunch of other (apparent) celebs. I think this is one of those movies that stars show up in out of charity/desperation.

It's entertaining, ish, sure, but not on behalf of any real effort on the movie makers' part.

So. Back to the part where you all start getting sick.

I was meandering along, musing over The Green Slime. See, the monsters in it (not, notably, actually themselves the green slime, but its monsters...yeah.) look remarkably like herpes sores. Also, genital warts. One of those things. Also, green discharge is totally a symptom of gonorrhea.

See as the wild Green Slime chase after some sluts; it's majesty is breathtaking.

So I was thinking about these space herpes from The Green Slime when a particularly contrived scene jumped to the fore in The Ice Pirates. So, the hero and his mechanic sidekick are on the bridge of their, apparently, super sexy spaceship when they kill some funny. First, this super disgusting thing hatched rather messily. Then it tried to...something the sleeping mechanic. Then, a bit of not-quite-slapstick ensues, and finally the characters find out what it is. It is....a space herpe. Christ almighty....
Get your own, free Space Herpe--now with ejaculate!

This may not seem particularly awful in its own right except that, as far as I can tell, this scene exists solely to contrive up the line, “The ship just got herpes”. Ow, my brain. I lost what little respect I had for the hero after he said that; I couldn't look him in the eye for the rest of the movie....

So, what've we got? Two bad movies? Check. Two cases of space herpes--or something equally futuristic/unfortunate--? Check. Fakey contest to determine which movie has the worse case? No check!? Egads! This must be rectified at once!

Let's look at some symptoms and work out a prognosis. As far as I care to know, herpes hurts and herpes is annoying.

So, the herpes in each movie hurt in vastly different, but still hurty, ways. For example, both are ugly as fuck but while the space herpe in IP is kinda gross the walking cold sores in GS are kinda hilarious.Still look like walking cold sores, though.

In terms of plot relevance, the Pirates' herpe is painfully contrived, making only 3 appearances and spawning one stupid 'joke'; for someone like me, this is very hurty. On the other hand, although not emerging until halfway through the movie, the herpes in Green Slime are the monsters of that monster movie. No points there for plot-hurty.

In their defense, though, The Green Slime's buggers can actually do something—like kill people and reproduce via masturbation (turns out these genital warts/sores on legs also have gonorrhea; they spew green slime that can grow into new monsters). On the other hand, the herpe in IP is only alleged to be 'very dangerous'; we never see much evidence of this at all. All that lil turd thing accomplishes is making a black man bleed, disgusting a 70 yo nanny, and pissing off a PMS princess; I'm not particularly impressed by any of that.

So! One is dumb, one is funny. In terms of hurtiness, I suppose Ice Pirates would win if we went by degree of fail, but it's kind of a toss-up. Let's see about annoying-ness, then.

As I mentioned, part of why I find the space herpe from IP so annoying is that it's just stupid. From a plot-structure level to its actual execution, it's not only fail it's plain ole useless. Like, they could have cut out its 3 scenes and nothing else would have been affected.

It's also, in its own right, a plot hole; why the fuck would a princess keep a dormant space herpe on board and not know about it...?! That really gets under my skin. Problem is I'm not sure how many other people would even care; it may be a less universally annoying case. Points off there, I suppose.

On the other hand, you can't shake the green slime sores. Actually, you could, as the first half of the movie is all about ripping off Asteroid or Deep Impact long before either movie went into development, so you have a story there if a weak one—but that's irrelevant!

Also, these bitches be uuuuurvrywhere. As mentioned, they merely jack off, spew their gonorrhea discharge, and voila! The space station's overrun in minutes by indestructible walking cold sores! Considering the other ingredient necessary is energy, they flagrantly violate the law of conservation of energy (they borked physics! noooo!). That certainly gets under my skin.

But, anyway, did I mention they're virtually indestructible? Yeah. That's goddamn annoying. (And just like real herpes!)

I probably don't even need to enter this last piece of evidence, but, sigh, it's too juicey to pass up. Listen to the sound they make constantly throughout every appearance. Yeah. That utterly killed Parker/turned him violent.

Ultimately I guess it's up to you which seems worse. As for me, my vote goes to The Green Slime. It's hard to pass on The Ice Pirates lil piece of fail, but I gotta.

The Green Slime's herpe may be much funnier—and laughter always softens the burning/itching/jagged pain—it's still a goddamn annoying monster. Also, it pretty accurately depicts what a strain of raging, mutant space herpes might actually look like some day, maybe in the not too distant future.....


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