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Do not want = Will not do?

It's a pathetic equation, to be sure, but so much of my life has been derailed by it.

I've been kinda down all week and didn't even realize it until at earliest Wednesday evening. Typically, I've been avoiding taking care of a whole gamut of responsibilities. Today I figured out what's got me down.


Part of it started a while back, about a month-ish, when my dad and I went over my upcoming student loan payments. That got me a bit squirrelly, to be sure.

This week I realized I'd misunderstood my dad about how much rent was due when. Somehow it made sense that he wanted me to pay $125 for November at the end of the month and $250 for December at the end of that month. In fact, like any ordinary landlord would, he'd expected the rent at the beginning of the month so overnight I went from pulling together $125 to owing $375.

Oh, and those student loan payments are still coming up. Joy.

I've always sucked with money. That first, scary, surreal semester at NYU I blew thousands on feel-good impulse buys. I can't even tell you what I spent it all on. I know I got a clarinet for about $200, a tv for like $700 (?), and a record player for like $180 or something.

Funny thing--I wasn't employed. It was all my parents' money (and my savings account's, poor thing).

I got slightly better as I got over the culture shock/whatever'd hit me so hard that first semester, but I still blew a lot of money without two thoughts about it. Which is key here--just not thinking about money.

For example, during the semester off and the three semesters I was back at NYU, I had an apartment. Obviously two different apartments. Neither of which I paid for myself. Much like all the other money I got outta them, I talked my parents into paying my rent for me.

Of course, New York was one thing; I doubt I coulda paid for that place on my own even if I'd had a job, but I could probably have helped. Or, at the least, paid for my other expenses--food, cigarettes, condoms, internet, etc.

That semester off was a different story, though. I did have a job and my rent was dirt cheap. the original idea was my parents would help me with rent until I could pay for it myself, or at least pay it 50/50 with them. The job didn't like me so much/didn't give me a lot of hours, so I rarely made that much in the end.

However, I could have been more responsible. Story of my life. I could have gotten a second job--almost did, I just never followed up when they called me back. Or I could have spent my money more wisely--somewhere in there I discovered how much cheaper it was to purchase & cook my own food than eat out, but still I kept eating out (giggity).

Running theme here is that for much too long, money would just "appear", and when it did--no matter how much--I'd manage to make it all disappear just as effortlessly, if not more so.

Economics is the science/art of studying how infinite needs are served by finite resources; that is, there is always more need for stuff but only so much stuff to go around. Correspondingly, supply & demand show us the most feasible equilibrium between them.

I have never held money in this regard--that it could have an unlimited demand but--simultaneously, even necessarily--have a limited supply.

Do you know how many things I want to buy from American eagle? I can think of at least one pair of pants ($49.50), a cardigan ($49.50), a neat waffle hoodie thing ($24.95), a bunch of thermals on a buy-one-get-one half off promo (some are $24.50, others $29.50), some clogs ($9.95), and probably a billion other things. Oh--and that same old blue sweater from before (now only $99.95!)! So that's at least $200 right there. Not to mention all the other stuff I want to get from other stores and online.

But I only get paid so much. (It varies, last check was for $300 but I worked more hours--this period may come out closer to $200 maybe $250). And I also have rent to pay, and loan payments, and metro fares, and so on.

Suffice to say this kind of mathing freaks me out. It's alien and weird. To some people maybe it comes naturally. For me, I'm too much 'buy first, think later'. I'd have to plan out my money/spending--I believe the ancients used to call it "budgeting". Like, I'm going to have to figure out what I owe and when and make sure I set aside and don't spend at least that much. Freaky, man.

So I've been anxious all week, and down, which is sometimes a clever way of avoiding anxiousness.

The irony? I had some really great opportunity to make some serious bank. That same neighbor I've been landscaping for off and on? has like a jillion things she needs done, and will pay me for whatever I (can) work. I could work 20 hours and she'd pay all $240. I'd nearly make rent! Of course, it's not always possible to work that much--hard work plus other job--but i could work 10 spread out over the week and still get a solid $120.

But, along with almost every other responsibility supposedly within my consideration, I avoided dealing with it. It was work and--especially fretting--brought me back to that same ole bottom line: fiscal responsibility.

do not want = will not do.

I'll see if I can do some work for her over the weekend, get at least a bit of cash from it. I'm going to talk to my therapist and parents and sponsor about ways I can be more responsible with my money.

So things will probably work out. I don't know how this week would have ended if I hadn't realized where my mind was at, but I'm kinda glad I did. It's a lot easier dealing with this shit when you're actually trying.


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