Skip to main content

I can't help wondering if it'd just be easier....

Wait, what was I supposed to be doing, again....?

Showering? Vacuuming? Making myself a (healthy) dinner? Finishing the laundry? Stripping my bed and remaking it...? Getting my student loans consolidated.....?

Oh, wait, that's right. I'm blogging.


So I told on myself to the sponsor. I told him I've been quite willfully lazy the last couple of days--I keeping having obvious 3rd step moments, and when it comes to turning it over and taking right action...I choose lazing off and indulging in whatever distraction's most readily available instead.....

What's especially painful/prominent about this all is how easy it would be to do something right & responsible instead of opting for willful laziness again & feelling shitty for it. I'll have as big an opportunity to switch directions as having a cigarette between one distraction and before starting another, and I'll realize...I should do something, like get up and walk the dogs or clean the litterbox. Or pray a bit for the strength to push back my anxiety just long enough to get something done for once.

You know, turn it over. Take action. Something.

But I won't even get halfway through forming such a thought, such a prayer, before I feel the lure of laziness, the ease of malaise. Nap, just a little...or do something...anything...or nap, easy as that, just a bit of a nap...or do something, even something gratifying like working out and sexifying up....but I'm tired and don't feel well and don't want to think about this anymore....so....nap, I guess it is.....

And I'll go curl up in bed. And nap.

If I'm sleeping, or watching a movie, or perusing the endlessness of the internet, I don't have to think so much. I can ignore the constant, harsh chatter of my mind and enjoy false serenity.

Which is where things start to get weird. It's like I feel slightly indignant to have considered anything else but indulging myself. It's like I relish the laziness, the relief, the personal "freedom"--the sense of "control" it lends me. It's closely guarded. I even get a little angry somewhere inside when my mom asks me to do things around the house--as though she were imposing on my rights & me-time. I never say anything about it to her, of course, that would require doing things and probably arguing or talking things out. No, I just avoid doing them as well & easily as I already avoid doing anything else I'm supposed to be doing.

Like, even now, I'm supposed to be showering--or at least dressing myself decent--so I can go out to a meeting and get outside my head for an hour or two at least. But I feel pulled back toward my bed....

It's so tough sometimes. Action requires decisions, which entails considerations and complexity. Inaction is an oblivion. If I've lost myself to a nap or the internet, I can stop worrying, for now, about all the whatevers.

Ironically it's an oblivion that still requires so much work, so much effort. At my worst, I have to pay attention to when there's no one in the kitchen (right above me) before getting food. I avoid showering because that requires me to go up to the 2nd floor--right past my parents' room. And of course I have to fight more and more shame and worry every day as I push off more responsibilities. It helps that I'm forgetful/ADHD. If I stop thinking about something for as long as 5 minutes I'm liable to forget it for maybe 5 hours. But of course it always comes back, haunting....

Goddamnit. I don't even want to finish this post. I don't want to go do shit. I just want to curl up in my warm bed with my kitty and sleep a long while. >.<

But, it's already been set in motion. It's what I need to do. I need to be around people. Hear their voices. Consider their thoughts and lives and find some perspective. Do something to get outside my head. Or I might hole up here for a much longer while.

So, here I go...

I hope there's cake.

Comments

Other things that might interest you...

This moment: A tattoo.

So I read Mrs. Dalloway in high school, and it was perhaps the most beautiful thing I'd ever read. One passage in particular, very early in the book, hit me hard with my first experience of the sublime, and stayed with me—and led at last to my first tattoo. In people’s eyes, in the swing, tramp, and trudge; in the bellow and the uproar; the carriages, motor cars, omnibuses, vans, sandwich men shuffling and swinging; brass bands; barrel organs; in the triumph and the jingle and the strange high singing of some aeroplane overhead was what she loved; life; London; this moment of June .  ( Emphasis added; full paragraph included below. From the full text of the novel as made available by the University of Adelaide. ) The paragraph this is from, the 4th paragraph of the novel, is the 1st passage with the stream of consciousness the book is famous for; although self-limited here, the flow is no less gorgeous. In the passage, Clarissa is walking on a street to get those famous fl

Rocky Horror - Better than Glee.

You know, I've routinely refused to watch Glee. Like whoa. I've seen bits, it's amusing, but not my thing. Plus how can I be a properly pretentions intellectual fag if I don't look down on & snub snobbily some ragingly popular thing?? It's just not proper decorum, really. I'm also in a Rocky Horror Picture Show shadowcast (website in progress, but that's us :)). Naturally, they were all excited about that Glee episode when they first heard about it; I on the other hand gave a pained smile and said "Isn't that special. I'm still not watching it." Part of me's pretty glad I didn't, frankly. (hah! get it? like Tim Curry.)

QP: Changes to come, I hope.

My grandmother passed away about 2 weeks ago. I hope to write about her more soon, but for this moment, I want to speak briefly about where I'm at overall: Her passing has led me to reevaluate aspects of my life because I'm realizing that the status quo amounts to just wasting my life away. (This is another "quick post," which means it's a short update that I likely didn't edit and revise quite as much as the more "thoughtful" pieces I aim for. I say this because I'm self-conscious and worry that you, my reader, will judge me!) I'm up in Boston and have today and tomorrow off, and I want to spend at least a portion of each day figuring out (some of) my life. I say this fully aware how often I've variously done so before: asserted a need for change, described how I was going to do it, made an attempt, then fallen off in the follow-through. I'm honestly not sure what to do about that, though. It frustrates me now just as much as eve