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Momentary lapse of insanity.

Well, I just had a moment. Well, a sorta moment. Fine, it was a moment. You happy?

It was nothing special, even possibly something I'd realized before and forgotten. It was one of those things for which other people in the program might give me a polite smile, an understanding nod, and say "Jeez, you're finally catching on to that one?".

I woke up this morning a little before 10am knowing I didn't have work until 6pm. Having been recently sick, I reasoned, I wanted to get as much rest as I could before heading in. So I decided the best thing to do to get me back to sleep was jerk off, smoke a cigarette, and then set my alarm for, like, noon.

So I'm heading back downstairs to set my alarm, and what do I set it to? 10:30am. Nothing crazy out of the ordinary there in terms of effort (aaaand it just went off...) since it was originally set for 6:30am. Bump it up a few hours. Easy as that. And I thought something like, "There, that's more reasonable...responsible...."

But then I thought (almost to that alleged 'moment') that I did have some stuff to take care of. I wanted to work out. Talk to my dad about student loan shit. Clean my room. Other stuff.

And, also, that sleeping now would probably rob me of time to do it later (Jesus, I wish I were actually that rational when I think to myself...), and that, most importantly, I was already awake now (then). And that I wasn't really all that tired, either.

See, what it boils down to is that I am secretly (gasp!) lazy. And avoidant, but laziness makes a good cover for that. See, I don't wanna do this shit in part because it requires effort and I'd rather laze, but also because it somehow scares me (yes, cleaning my room scares me. shut the fuck up.) and the more thoroughly I can avoid it and avoid thinking about it the less it has to scare me. Napping, for example, is an excellent if unsubtle diversion\.

I'll talk more about all that later (fruitful subject), and get back to this presumed 'moment'. So I'm lying there, intending on getting my nap on, when I realize I'm at the same point I've been at all week (all my life, to be honest, but this week's been especially pointed about it).*

As this past week testifies, when I face these kindsa moments, my own willfulness usually only leads me into lazy shame. Er, shameful laziness. Something like that. Maybe it won't happen like that today, or tomorrow, or even all that badly when it does, but it sucks and I don't like it.

Point is, when I stood at this turning point this time, I didn't just recognize it for what it was--an opportunity, a choice--and I chose. I prayed.

There's plenty of ways of describing that moment, as well as what happened in it. For those who're "higher power" averse, you might see it as "committing myself to an action plan/decision". Seems a fair enough estimation.

But as far as my own, best understanding of these things, it's best if I phrase it in terms of the third step:
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
I'll talk more about my higher power later, like maybe after this second 2nd step I'm doing, but the point is I didn't just make a decision, I took some action--"right action", as we'd say. I prayed. (Or "committed myself", but that sounds a little weird out of context. Yay crazies!)

And now I'm gonna go take some more action, and trust I'll be in the care of this higher power while I do it. Hooray for loan consolidation..... XD

* Better Big Book quoters might cite How It Works--"We stood at a turning point...." Yeah, wish I could say I thought of that then, but, no, only now as I'm writing this.


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