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Showing posts from August, 2011

On Crap.

I feel like yesterday's post was one of the ones I frequently regret posting.  Rambly, dark-ish, disheveled about, unimportant....often simple enough concepts I seem incapable of leaving be--but must complicate, often obscenely. It's a frequent bad habit of mine, I guess. The way my brain is, I can't ever leave anything "simple enough". Given all the directions my brain goes in at once, it's a wonder I don't complicate some things even worse. A classic (ie. vintage) slogan in AA is "Keep It Simple."; I'd probably do well to remember that in my blogging. It might lead to shorter, clearer, more accessible posts. Like this one--I'd started it yesterday and was all set to launch into some kind of self-invective ramble. Going a bout trying to clarify and deride at once. Not a terribly pretty sight. And that'd probably have just be the  beginning . You know, the  simple part. Also worth keeping in mind: Not everything has to be a


See, I feel really compelled to do some somethings. I'm just not sure what, or how, or even if I actually "can". Part of me wants to do creative things like work on some long ignored projects or conceive some new ones. Part of me wants to/knows I should do some responsible things like some paperwork and make some calls. On the one hand, there are such doubts swimming about my little mind and, on the other, such guilt for not working on these things. So while some things seem difficult or unmanageable, others feel all the more obligating for every bit I consider doing something else instead of them. And of course mixed in there is general confusion and particular uncertainties. Like, I just don't know what to do, and I don't feel certain about anything one thing I start setting my mind on. Too much I could choose to do and too much worry about whatever I choose not to. The other day, I noted that perhaps my greatest curse is a failure at prioritization.

That makes more sense, at least.

I think I figured out where I was heading with that post the other day . As I often do, in blogging as in life, I think aloud a lot. Perfectly harmless, mostly. So in case you couldn't tell I was struggling to figure out the point of that post as I wrote it and hadn't the sense to just save it as a draft and fix it later. All the same, I think I've figured it out afterall. It used to be that when I would tell someone about something or even the way I'd be doing certain things, there'd be something I wanted out of them. And that would more often than not shape how I phrased what I said--manipulation. Like, I'd tell them about some problem I'd solved, trying as subtly as I could to get them to commend my cleverness. Or maybe it would be a story of how awful something had been, and I'd hope to gain their consolation, sympathy. Like when I had trouble writing papers for a class. I wouldn't leave asking for an extension at just telling my profes

Not quite cured, but not as sick.

It's been, what?, a week since I've last posted? Really? That blows. Here I was hoping the whole Cali thing might herald in a new era of my blogging....maybe it still can. I worked so much of the last week or so that I was beginning to ache even on my day off. Like, I musta worked at least 35 hours of shipment, man. That stuff is hard work. Especially when you work it like I do--fast and hard. On the one hand, it's nice to be appreciated/needed, I suppose. But on the other, while I know plenty of people work that many hours or more every week, it really took its toll on me. Like, on Monday, my arms were spaghettifying  while I was trying to haul about those boxes of shipment. Not good timing on the part of my limbs; no sir, not at all. (I guess I could point out that many of those people working 40hr weeks probably have lovely office jobs and those more blue collar brethren are probably more used to this kinda work than I am.) An interesting note: I don't beli