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See, I feel really compelled to do some somethings. I'm just not sure what, or how, or even if I actually "can".

Part of me wants to do creative things like work on some long ignored projects or conceive some new ones. Part of me wants to/knows I should do some responsible things like some paperwork and make some calls.

On the one hand, there are such doubts swimming about my little mind and, on the other, such guilt for not working on these things. So while some things seem difficult or unmanageable, others feel all the more obligating for every bit I consider doing something else instead of them.

And of course mixed in there is general confusion and particular uncertainties. Like, I just don't know what to do, and I don't feel certain about anything one thing I start setting my mind on. Too much I could choose to do and too much worry about whatever I choose not to.

The other day, I noted that perhaps my greatest curse is a failure at prioritization.

A prominent model of ADD looks at ADD as more or less a syndrome whose symptoms cluster variously but usually in combination around certain executive functions. Even just a cursory glance shows that prioritization is usually related to impairments of Activation; from what i've read (excerpts from his book, for example) I definitely exhibit impairment in that domain. There're other functions affected as well (such as Emotion), as is to be expected, but that one's most relevant here.

Like, right now I'm looking over things I'd like/need to do, and they all seem equal. For the most part they end up equally demanding in my perspective (either by personal significance or exterior pressure or some emotional weight).

Worse, as I focus on any one it, for that time, seems to zoom in and consume my focus. I try shifting my attention to considering another possibility and either it's very difficult to; it consumes my attention instead, pushing aside other possible tasks as the previous one had when it took up my focus; or becomes increasingly frustrating as I fail to hold both in consideration at once to determine which is most worth doing.

Yeah, if you cross-reference that last paragraph against that model of ADD, you'll see I definitely register symptoms in most all of those functions....I've known for a long ass while I've had ADD and more recently begun to "appreciate" how bad/severe a case I am (not to sound too terminally unique...).

Right now, though, I'm frustrated. Like, I want to do things, but can't make up my mind which/what/when I'm going to do. It's infuriating.

While realizing how this trouble relates to my ADD may be both depressing and heartening, it doesn't much help me in the short term. I've spent so long blissfully unaware of the nature of my own ADD that I guess I never really learned much about how to manage it--especially for times like this where I'm so discouraged.

Like, realizing the exte was kinda big revelation. For example, I've always known I talked too much in (ie. "dominated") conversation. However, when a passage in an ADD book mentioned struggles with taking/yielding turns in conversation, I was blown away by the very concept that conversation could be a matter of participants taking turns in a discussion. I had never really thought of it like that.

Other things I'd similarly always taken for granted about myself similarly turned out to be much bigger deals/struggles than I'd realized. (This kind of failure of self-monitoring is also a common trait of people with ADD.)

Awareness can only get a you so far, and frankly I'm still too unaware too often. But even though I may be somewhat aware of these difficulties I still feel like I haven't learned much more about managing them.

So right now, as I face this particular frustration, I'm just left feeling anxious and restless and unsure and even a bit angry. And while I do have some notion how I might deal with this buggering trouble, I'm not sure I even feel capable of making the most use of it or even getting very far with managing it. So, back to the self-doubt. Back to this inertial anxiety. It just sits there, clouding up my head with frustration and restlessness, largely because I'm too...I want to say things like "stupid" or "pathetic", but I know that's unnecessarily judgmental....

One thing I've noticed is sometimes I'll have a fairly good idea how to solve or at least move forward or at least deal with something, but choose not to because either it seems too hard or past attempts were tripped up & stymied by other things or because for whatever other reasons I just don't want to.

That's just plain indefensible. Ugh. And this post is plain disorganized. Double-ugh. I may actually feel worse now than before I started writing this. Goddamnit.


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