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Not quite cured, but not as sick.

It's been, what?, a week since I've last posted? Really? That blows. Here I was hoping the whole Cali thing might herald in a new era of my blogging....maybe it still can.

I worked so much of the last week or so that I was beginning to ache even on my day off. Like, I musta worked at least 35 hours of shipment, man. That stuff is hard work. Especially when you work it like I do--fast and hard.

On the one hand, it's nice to be appreciated/needed, I suppose. But on the other, while I know plenty of people work that many hours or more every week, it really took its toll on me. Like, on Monday, my arms were spaghettifying while I was trying to haul about those boxes of shipment. Not good timing on the part of my limbs; no sir, not at all.

(I guess I could point out that many of those people working 40hr weeks probably have lovely office jobs and those more blue collar brethren are probably more used to this kinda work than I am.)

An interesting note: I don't believe I'm sharing all this to get pity or sympathy or consolation, per se. Hell, half the time I'm pretty sure no one even reads this--certainly not this far into these posts!

I think what I'm really looking for, if anything, is simply to share. Maybe, also, more specifically to share something that I found in some way striking.

I can hardly dismiss, though, my past attention seeking tendencies. Sometimes I guess I would do that out of "terminal uniqueness", while other times merely to get noticed and acknowledged.

It's kinda weird though how silently so much of that slipped away. Like, I'll notice as I'm talking to someone or doing something the exact moment where some pathetic impulse to be noticed would once have forced its way into the discussion. And as subtly as I noticed it, that moment passes and dissipates.

Certainly, some of it still exists--hopefully mostly just the more pragmatic, normal parts. When I think I've done something well, I still want someone to notice and would like them to notice how well I did. When something sucks I still want to tell people about it and hear them say "Oh, well that sucks.".

But the urgency to make them aware and the insistence with which I crave their validation isn't so present anymore. Like, the infantile undertones of "Look at me! I'm special!" and "Oh, woe is me!" with the implied, all-too-expectant "right? right??". It's just not there like it used to be.

Of course, I wish I could say I simply didn't care what people think, but at least I feel less pathetic and childish.

What remains, mostly, is absently telling things to people and it prolly sounding kinda like I'm still fishing for approval/attention/validation. That could probably use some work, but I guess it's an idle enough habit all the same.

Sigh, this post probably turned out kinda weird. And awkward. That's what I'd like least about it--the awkwardness. Weirdness is tolerable; awkwardness, embarrassing.

But I really don't have the focus or time or whatever to try and fix it. I could, probably, but I don't really care at this moment. Sorry :-)


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