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Back in NYC. As lovely as ever, if a bit more confusing, but then that's mostly my own doing.

See, I could catch a bus home tonight OR I could stay at my friend's place and catch a bus tomorrow. Seems simple--but naturally I cannot allow that to be!!

See, if I catch a bus tonight, I need to be back in DC before the metro closes. So that means the 530pm, 6pm, or 7pm buses. Alternatively, I stay with my friend. Except I'd like to know if my staying over is still cool with him; right now he's finishing off/editing a term paper. So I don't want to pester him too much. Cuz that would be rude.

See what's going on here? It's usually referred to as willfulness. I'm trying to force my will on things around me--be it in this reluctance to just catch a bus now & know the Metro will still be running or in this insistence on staying with my friend. It isn't exactly as black & white as that, mayhaps, but the schematics are there.

In essence, my willfulness seems clearest to me in that reluctance and insistence I mentioned. I have general issues in letting go of things and letting things just be; right now, I'm clinging to'em, and it's fouling up any decision making process.

So, here's a thought: I don't have to make a decision right goddamn now. I could more or less aim for that 6pm or 7pm bus unless I hear from my friend; in that case I don't really have to be certain of anything until 5:30 or 5:45ish. So I could let him know what's up and type up draft 5 of my poem while I wait to hear back from him. That's productive; but maybe still a little controlling? Kind of cuts it close. and otherwise still feels a biiiiit wodgy, though better than sitting here anxiously waiting and doing nothing.

But, hell, I could just call him now, chat it out, and know. Right now I'm trying to decide everything on my own (more willfulness); I'm setting up all kindsa contingencies in case things don't work out in that way or they work out in this case and so on, all of which pretty much riding on this poor friend and his term paper. So maybe calling him could clear everything up and eliminate the waiting.

Hm, yes. That sounds a little more grown up, don't it?


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