Skip to main content

Bit by goddamn bit.

This work crap has gotten a bit better but it still dogs me badly. At this point, I'm less absorbed by the agonizing worry & overthinking than I am simply painfully aware not meeting my own exaggerated demands. Slight improvement, yeah?

This is literally what I look like
at work.
That is something, though. I've realized that much of this boils down to a few bad habits of thinking and a lot of anger. It's just got my head all wrong really; these bad habits of thinking prey upon something basic in how I operate. The result is the sorta-nervous-wreckness I've been experiencing the last half a week or so.

Although my managers may want me to get dozens of people to sign up for credit cards each week, I only really need about 5 a week. Anything more is awesome (more Macy's Money and stuff!) but as long as I can get 5+ cards, I = success. It's easy though to get caught up in my managers' expectations, to make their demands my own, to measure myself by them. And I'm very unforgiving about it; I not only  feel like a failure, I dwell on it, too.

The other thing I do is overpersonalize the actual act of getting credit cards. In my head, the process of retail is about making friends. Making everyone happy. Getting to know the customer and trying to get them exactly what they want to maximize their customer experience/approval of & affection for me. Crazy. I encounter dozens of strangers every day I work and beat the shit out of myself if they don't "like me". If they say no or cut me off, it's because I'm a bad person or I fucked it up, not because they simply aren't interested.

And that only makes me hold back more. Talking about the Macy's card  with people only makes this whole lopsided social stupidness worse--I assume, somehow, they won't like me for trying to 'dupe' them into a credit card. That they might even yell at me. That, even more subtly, just give me that look. That crushingly judgmental look. That terrifies me.

Back at AE, I was trained to "make friends"; less in my over-personalizing way I just talked about than in a 'treat them like regular people' way. Talk to them casually, amiably; ask them how they're day is; inquire what they got up to over the weekend or what they plan to next weekend; see if they've got plans for upcoming holiday X. Do not lead with a sale, and for God's sake don't throw awkward offers of credit cards in their face. I was trained that those things, leading with salestalk or loyalty programs, turns off the customer and kills sales.

As always, though, everything boils down to perfectionism with me. Well not everything, but most things. These things, certainly. The failure to live up to my exaggerated expectations, my need for approval, my training as well as my real-time failure with each customer I talk to about's still freaking me out and stressing me badly, and leaves me so frustrated each day. There are still times I just want to punch something or go somewhere and cry in confused defeat.

But I'd like to think I'm managing cope with it better. I'm praying, I'm doing breathing exercises, I'm pushing myself to show myself it isn't so hard or awful as I expect by trying. And it has gotten better. Bit by bit.

Bit by goddamn bit.


Other things that might interest you...

This moment: A tattoo.

So I read Mrs. Dalloway in high school, and it was perhaps the most beautiful thing I'd ever read. One passage in particular, very early in the book, hit me hard with my first experience of the sublime, and stayed with me—and led at last to my first tattoo. In people’s eyes, in the swing, tramp, and trudge; in the bellow and the uproar; the carriages, motor cars, omnibuses, vans, sandwich men shuffling and swinging; brass bands; barrel organs; in the triumph and the jingle and the strange high singing of some aeroplane overhead was what she loved; life; London; this moment of June .  ( Emphasis added; full paragraph included below. From the full text of the novel as made available by the University of Adelaide. ) The paragraph this is from, the 4th paragraph of the novel, is the 1st passage with the stream of consciousness the book is famous for; although self-limited here, the flow is no less gorgeous. In the passage, Clarissa is walking on a street to get those famous fl

QP: Changes to come, I hope.

My grandmother passed away about 2 weeks ago. I hope to write about her more soon, but for this moment, I want to speak briefly about where I'm at overall: Her passing has led me to reevaluate aspects of my life because I'm realizing that the status quo amounts to just wasting my life away. (This is another "quick post," which means it's a short update that I likely didn't edit and revise quite as much as the more "thoughtful" pieces I aim for. I say this because I'm self-conscious and worry that you, my reader, will judge me!) I'm up in Boston and have today and tomorrow off, and I want to spend at least a portion of each day figuring out (some of) my life. I say this fully aware how often I've variously done so before: asserted a need for change, described how I was going to do it, made an attempt, then fallen off in the follow-through. I'm honestly not sure what to do about that, though. It frustrates me now just as much as eve

Revamp, pt 1.

I decided I want to dig in and take this blog, and more broadly the "Palmerpink Brand" as it were, more seriously. Ok, maybe not that  seriously, but yeah. I wrote up a larger exploration on my other blog of initial questions to lay out some basic considerations regarding a revamp, asking things like the What, Who, and Why of this blog. Some of these things I'd explored previously , but I wanted to dig into deeper this time around. In short, I want to use this blog to share things I find meaningful and hope others will be interested in, as well as reflections and updates about my life; I want to write for myself, but also people who care about me and/or the sorts of things I share about (eg, reviews about culture and such); and I want to commit to my voice mattering, to deciding my blog matters to whatever little degree it can. (I also floated the possibility of culling posts that are no longer representative of what I want in this blog, as well as any stupid lab