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Bit by goddamn bit.

This work crap has gotten a bit better but it still dogs me badly. At this point, I'm less absorbed by the agonizing worry & overthinking than I am simply painfully aware not meeting my own exaggerated demands. Slight improvement, yeah?

This is literally what I look like
at work.
That is something, though. I've realized that much of this boils down to a few bad habits of thinking and a lot of anger. It's just got my head all wrong really; these bad habits of thinking prey upon something basic in how I operate. The result is the sorta-nervous-wreckness I've been experiencing the last half a week or so.

Although my managers may want me to get dozens of people to sign up for credit cards each week, I only really need about 5 a week. Anything more is awesome (more Macy's Money and stuff!) but as long as I can get 5+ cards, I = success. It's easy though to get caught up in my managers' expectations, to make their demands my own, to measure myself by them. And I'm very unforgiving about it; I not only  feel like a failure, I dwell on it, too.

The other thing I do is overpersonalize the actual act of getting credit cards. In my head, the process of retail is about making friends. Making everyone happy. Getting to know the customer and trying to get them exactly what they want to maximize their customer experience/approval of & affection for me. Crazy. I encounter dozens of strangers every day I work and beat the shit out of myself if they don't "like me". If they say no or cut me off, it's because I'm a bad person or I fucked it up, not because they simply aren't interested.

And that only makes me hold back more. Talking about the Macy's card  with people only makes this whole lopsided social stupidness worse--I assume, somehow, they won't like me for trying to 'dupe' them into a credit card. That they might even yell at me. That, even more subtly, just give me that look. That crushingly judgmental look. That terrifies me.

Back at AE, I was trained to "make friends"; less in my over-personalizing way I just talked about than in a 'treat them like regular people' way. Talk to them casually, amiably; ask them how they're day is; inquire what they got up to over the weekend or what they plan to next weekend; see if they've got plans for upcoming holiday X. Do not lead with a sale, and for God's sake don't throw awkward offers of credit cards in their face. I was trained that those things, leading with salestalk or loyalty programs, turns off the customer and kills sales.

As always, though, everything boils down to perfectionism with me. Well not everything, but most things. These things, certainly. The failure to live up to my exaggerated expectations, my need for approval, my training as well as my real-time failure with each customer I talk to about's still freaking me out and stressing me badly, and leaves me so frustrated each day. There are still times I just want to punch something or go somewhere and cry in confused defeat.

But I'd like to think I'm managing cope with it better. I'm praying, I'm doing breathing exercises, I'm pushing myself to show myself it isn't so hard or awful as I expect by trying. And it has gotten better. Bit by bit.

Bit by goddamn bit.


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