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Didn't make it quite as far as the gym....

But I did make it as far as my home gym! It's almost the same. You know, without all the cardio machines, challenging weights, and hot guys to check out. Other than that basically the same.

From about Thanksgiving until somewhere in late December I was doing pretty well at going to the gym. I was even beginning to look fantastic. Then things got...busy? or I got lazy. One of those.

Let's see if I can not make overblown promises to myself here, publicly.

I think if I actually looked at my schedule I'd see plenty of opportunity to get to the gym. And if I actually committed to it, I could actually do it. Cuz let's face it. I like the gym. I like being buff/sexy. (If I were cockier I might even say it isn't that hard for me to be once I actually try and exercise....)

So why haven't I? I'm really not sure. Inexplicable nervousness, maybe? Intimidation? Utter lack of planning/time management? Resilient, persistent doubts?

Or maybe it's that commitment stuff. And motivation. I remember once seeing a simple formula for motivation: Motivation = Significance x Doableness. Something like that. Basically, if it matters a lot and you're sure you can accomplish it, you've probably already got the motivation for getting it done.

The trick of it is reassessing each of those parts, if only in how you view them, to up your motivation. Really looking at why you want to do something and why it's important to you to do it; breaking it down into realistic chunks with attainable goals so even you're convinced you can do it.

Ever since I was a kid, I've thought fit, built, buff, or otherwise athletic guys were hot as fuck. Ever since I was a child, I've held onto some modicum of shame about my own body. As a kid I was muffiny--pudgy belly and skinny limbs. As a teenager I felt awkward--still a bit pudgy-bellied and skinny-limbed and convinced I was still less than most other guys. Still in love with buff/in shape guys, though. So, somewhere in there, I resolved to start working out. To get off my ass and actually go after what I wanted.

I was irregular about it even then, and too shy to ask for help. But, thankfully, the internet had been invented, and I found a nice little home workout to try. It seriously kicked my ass at first. But somehow--I'm really not sure, maybe I was avoiding studying for my AP Bio exam--I stuck to it well enough to make some actual progress. God only knows how, frankly.

Junior year, I actually started working out in my school's gym after school, where many of the hot guys I ogled worked out. That was scary. Of course I was still too shy to ask for much help but the internet gave me a good idea how to use various weights and machines. By the end of high school, I'd gone from an immutable 125 to a respectable 165. I've since gotten myself up almost to180. Seriously, try to imagine me before I started--same height, same build as I am now, but with 60 pounds less of me. Maybe you can see why I felt my body was a bit awkward looking before I started working out....

It's still hard for me to believe it, to trust I can make changes or that even small efforts are worth it. For some reason my mind's set on all-or-nones. On my body being unresponsive and awkward. On needing to do this on my own instead of seeking fellows for motivation and support. Maybe focusing on where I've come from can make a difference, maybe I just need to keep trying and dismiss the flurrious doubts.

"Maybe"? Try "probably".


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