Skip to main content

I'm up early, for once.

Yeah, I've written about it before--the wanting-to-get-up-early thing. So I'll be brief, or try.

So I ostensibly like getting up early. It's a good time for doing things. Practically nothing is ever planned before 11ish so it's good me-time. I've also got a clear head and (mostly) high energy levels. But I usually get lazy/indulgent and go back to sleep when I don't have to be up right away for anything in particular (and sometimes even when I do...).

Am I robbing me of my me-time? Well, yes and no. Sometimes I fill that time with more indulgent me-time--porn, okcupid/dudesnude, facebook, lord knows what else. Normally, I'd want to spend this time writing or reading the news or blogging or just preparing for the day.

Not so likely, especially lately--I've been sleeping in or wanking early far more than is necessary. Can't porn or okcupid or whatever wait until the end of the day? isn't it just as easy to wack off before bed as after?


So, why?

It boils down to, and likely always has, worry. Either sleeping or wanking or just otherwise goofing off is a quick escape from even the slightest worry; it's semi-automatic, really. My slightly OCD brain can freak out without even realizing it, at least enough to make the comparative relief of a bit more sleep or a "quick" jo seductive. And what starts off as "just a bit" always morphs into "I don't know what happened; I lost track of time".


I just spaced out a moment, thinking through the morning to come, how I would like it to go versus how I'd like it to go. Part of me wants to go look at hot guys after finishing this post, as though having accomplished something. Part of me wants to go get some oatmeal and read up on the day's news or workout. I have to be outta here by 11 for a lunch thing, and I know how certain things I want  to do--almost feel entitled to do--will probably make me run late as I lose track of time. As usual.

And....--damnit, this is hard--I don't want to be that person anymore. Unreliable. Over-indulgent and under-fulfilled. I say that kinda stuff a lot though. It's tough because it requires work to change, while the usual status quo--especially this status quo--requires or seems to require so little. But it's childish, and I'm supposed to be some kind of grownup.

Comments

Other things that might interest you...

This moment: A tattoo.

So I read Mrs. Dalloway in high school, and it was perhaps the most beautiful thing I'd ever read. One passage in particular, very early in the book, hit me hard with my first experience of the sublime, and stayed with me—and led at last to my first tattoo.
In people’s eyes, in the swing, tramp, and trudge; in the bellow and the uproar; the carriages, motor cars, omnibuses, vans, sandwich men shuffling and swinging; brass bands; barrel organs; in the triumph and the jingle and the strange high singing of some aeroplane overhead was what she loved; life; London; this moment of June.  (Emphasis added; full paragraph included below. From the full text of the novel as made available by the University of Adelaide.)

The paragraph this is from, the 4th paragraph of the novel, is the 1st passage with the stream of consciousness the book is famous for; although self-limited here, the flow is no less gorgeous. In the passage, Clarissa is walking on a street to get those famous flowers herse…

A Valentine's Special.

Yeah, I'm one of those guys who's never really been with someone around Valentine's. I am sometimes baffled how other people manage these things--and why I can't. To be fair, it's probably as much my not trying enough and trying too hard as it is anything pariticularly wrong with me. Like, I know I don't get myself out there enough to meet guys and when I do it's probably compensatory and usually flawed from the start.

The other question is--why does it matter so much to me? Evidently it seems like something I want but something I'm scared of, too. It may also be something I'm just not very good at. I'm secretly timid and fearful of most confrontation and directness. For all my communication skills, I always seem to chicken out when it comes to talking to guys in a healthy, sustaining way. I'm a dreamer who wants something nice badly enough to stick to something for the concept of having it more than the reality of dealing with it; I want to…

Rocky Horror - Better than Glee.

You know, I've routinely refused to watch Glee. Like whoa. I've seen bits, it's amusing, but not my thing. Plus how can I be a properly pretentions intellectual fag if I don't look down on & snub snobbily some ragingly popular thing?? It's just not proper decorum, really.

I'm also in a Rocky Horror Picture Show shadowcast (website in progress, but that's us :)). Naturally, they were all excited about that Glee episode when they first heard about it; I on the other hand gave a pained smile and said "Isn't that special. I'm still not watching it."

Part of me's pretty glad I didn't, frankly. (hah! get it? like Tim Curry.)