Skip to main content

Oh right.

I shouldn't have been surprised that, although really excited to go to the gym in the AM to the a-gain, that this morning would prove difficult. Today I have work at 1:30pm instead of 9:45am. That throws things off more than you might expect.

My brain is a stupid thing much of/pretty much most of/all of the time. If it perceives any leeway, it overrides any sensible use of time. Lack of discipline. Give it an inch, it takes a mile, or however that goes. So on mornings like today, when I don't have to be anywhere until much later, it/I will happily forget/rationalize other important things I merely wanted to do, regardless of how important they were to me.

I first woke up at 6:30am to Garrison Keillor reading me a poem called "1000 Yard Oar Boat" or something; I took my meds and went back to sleep until 7 when my phone went off. Typical morning although trying to break that habit bit by bit (it used to be I'd routinely dismiss the 7am alarm and sleep till 8:30am). Oh well, not too awful.

But then 7 klaxoned its arrival and--here's the crucial mistake my brain makes even on the best of days--instead of getting up and heading to the gym, it somehow reasoned that sleeping in until the backup alarm (some might call this the other crucial mistake) went off at 7:30 wouldn't hurt anything. Even the ideal plan for the rest of the morning didn't have me wanting to be anywhere after the gym until about 11, about 2 hours after my intended workout would have finished. So--I slept what was meant to be that extra 30mins.

I love that this pic is simply called
Today's error sequens was less dumbassy than the usual fare, actually. I lazily, contentedly dozed, quite lightly mind you, expecting that second alarm to go off any minute. Due to a bug in my phone/phone's alarm that I've been meaning to deal with for a while, the second alarm silenced itself. {facepalm} I eased back awake and went to check how long I had until the alarm and--it was 8 fucking 30. My false pride and sense of accomplishment crucified themselves immediately.

Oh well. I googled android alarm clock apps and found one with options to solve math problems before being able to snooze or dismiss alarms. Hopefully, too, less buggy. Fuck yeah. Now I'm going to go figure out if that 11:30 meeting and the workout are still viable and, if not, figure out which is more important for me to show up for.

I can't claim I'm perfect; in fact I'm pretty sure I've never used that word to describe myself (except within the larger concept "perfectionist"). Certainly within expected margins for human errancy is planning and declaiming to intend to do things, to want to do them so seriously that one blogs about them in earnest, in sincerity, only to fail to do them right or altogether. It happens. Certainly on this blog.

I guess I'm feeling guilty. Here, I really wanted to start this new routine, like so many before. I reasoned out in last night's post why it was significant and even easy. I guess it felt like I was promising something, and when I didn't follow through it feels like failure, dishonesty.

Is that kinda dumb? Yeah. But then we've already established my brain is pretty stupid. At this point it's best to keep moving and try again tomorrow or the day after and so on. Even my stupid brain realizes how reasonable and simple that is.


Other things that might interest you...

QP: Changes to come, I hope.

My grandmother passed away about 2 weeks ago. I hope to write about her more soon, but for this moment, I want to speak briefly about where I'm at overall: Her passing has led me to reevaluate aspects of my life because I'm realizing that the status quo amounts to just wasting my life away. (This is another "quick post," which means it's a short update that I likely didn't edit and revise quite as much as the more "thoughtful" pieces I aim for. I say this because I'm self-conscious and worry that you, my reader, will judge me!) I'm up in Boston and have today and tomorrow off, and I want to spend at least a portion of each day figuring out (some of) my life. I say this fully aware how often I've variously done so before: asserted a need for change, described how I was going to do it, made an attempt, then fallen off in the follow-through. I'm honestly not sure what to do about that, though. It frustrates me now just as much as eve

This moment: A tattoo.

So I read Mrs. Dalloway in high school, and it was perhaps the most beautiful thing I'd ever read. One passage in particular, very early in the book, hit me hard with my first experience of the sublime, and stayed with me—and led at last to my first tattoo. In people’s eyes, in the swing, tramp, and trudge; in the bellow and the uproar; the carriages, motor cars, omnibuses, vans, sandwich men shuffling and swinging; brass bands; barrel organs; in the triumph and the jingle and the strange high singing of some aeroplane overhead was what she loved; life; London; this moment of June .  ( Emphasis added; full paragraph included below. From the full text of the novel as made available by the University of Adelaide. ) The paragraph this is from, the 4th paragraph of the novel, is the 1st passage with the stream of consciousness the book is famous for; although self-limited here, the flow is no less gorgeous. In the passage, Clarissa is walking on a street to get those famous fl

Sarracenia 'Ennui.'

I mentioned in a recent post  that even hybrids of the same species can demonstrate disparate variety. Which is the case with the other cultivar I discovered. Yes; there's another. I could go into how this variety among hybrids should surprise no one, but I'm not here to teach you genetics (poorly). No, I want to talk about my other big cultivar-related excitement: Sarracenia 'Ennui,' or so it's being called for now. I guess it's semiofficial now that I've "announced" it in a blog post. Welp. (My main hesitation in calling it this is that the name may already been claimed. But I think it's an  awesome  name for a plant and peculiarly kind of perfect for this one: It's got this muted glamour that feels not only somehow French but also weirdly existential...?) I found this beauty at Meadowview Biological Research Station . The other half of the main plant can still be found there, by the way, and that nursery has a gorgeous array of o