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Earning it.

Needless to say, only a few of things I set out for myself to do Saturday actually got done/worked on. I'm not exactly surprised nor guilted, but something occurred to me this morning. Part of my problem is, and has always been, putting enjoyments before responsibilities instead of earning them through responsible decisions & progress.

Like, that night last week where I did all that laundry and polished my shoes and felt kinda normal; when I made the to-do list at work that day I committed myself to accomplishing most or all of it before I could even touch my computer. I decided that I would have to earn the right to goof off on the computer by taking care of (long overdue) chores. And it actually worked. Heck, I wasn't even worrying too much about all the computer game playing time or masturbation I was missing out on while I did my laundry, and I hardly even worried about it after I was done, too.

And most importantly: a very large amount of my laundry was actually washed. My shoes were polished (if a bit mediocrely). My room was tidied. And it felt really nice, as I said, to do normal things, to do the things I arguably needed to be doing instead of things that, inarguably, I merely wanted to do.

Similar feats were accomplished throughout the week. Some major decluttering of my desk has allowed me to actually sit at it and use it--for, like, desk things. Nuts, right?

The reason Saturday didn't entirely turn out as I'd hoped was not long after I finished my post and accomplished a couple of the things on my to-do list, I took a nap and played some computer games and masturbated and other purely indulgent means of avoiding taking care of the other tasks. I can try and tell myself that, when I start wanting to play hooky and indulge like that, it'll only be for a minute, just a little bit, all that stuff. But we all know--and I should, too, deep down, having observed far more than enough evidence--it doesn't turn out that way. Even if I do only nap for 30 minutes, I'll likely jerk off after, which requires, of course, good jerk off materials which I gladly seek and peruse for hours as I edge. Or if I do somehow manage to wank it quick, usually once isn't enough, or (another) nap is required.

I know I've written about it before, even though I can't, for the life of me, find the actual post to link to, but one of my worst habits of thinking, is a sense of being entitled to my me-time-wasting stuff. As though it were my right to pleasure and avoid facing myself instead of taking care of business. Like when I get home, and I'm kinda tired from work. I feel like I deserve to take a nap. I'll brush off requests to walk the dogs or working on taxes to nap, as though postponing it were abhorrent, as though those responsibilities were somehow beneath my need, my right, to have a nap, as though without that nap I couldn't function, as though walking the dogs--even briefly!--would somehow spoil this nap of mine.

That's it, right there. That's how it feels, at least partly, when I avoid things. I'm not sure if it's about control or worry or both, perhaps, but somehow that sense of spoiling my enjoyment, diminishing the purity of it, whatever it may be, is too terrible to endure undertaking more responsible, less comfortable things.

So, back to earning things. Clearly approaching my responsibilities with a "work now, play later" attitude helps not only get me started but having gotten me underway removes much of my worrying. It ends up feeling more satisfying, too. I like that. I like the way I felt the other night doing my laundry. It was certainly nicer than regretting time wasted on frivolous indulgent avoidance, than feeling immature and irresponsible and unfit, than the hollow and shortlived thrills of anxious indulgences. I doubt learning delayed gratification will be easy, but I think I can manage enough to feel a bit more content about things, a bit more accomplished.

I'm not gonna get buff and sexy by sitting around wanking all day instead of working out. I'm not gonna feel financially secure avoiding my taxes and debt payments. I'm not gonna be happy by avoiding life--and part of living is taking care of responsibilities.

Wasting all my time over-indulging wants and avoidance isn't living. It simply isn't. And it's certainly something, I"m realizing, I don't want for myself. And, if that's the case, then I need to start earning the kind of life I can be proud of, that I can be glad for living and glad for having.

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