Skip to main content

It's been a long time.

Wasn't that the name of my last post? I feel like it was. Hm hm. Well it's still been a pretty long time since I last updated.

So I just finished my last semester at Montgomery College. Prospectively, I'll soon have an Associate's Degree. That's pretty sweet. 5 years at 2 different institutions over an 8 year period....getting there! someday I may even have a bachelor's!!

I did a lot better than I expected. My final paper for that class I always fail? Turned in--on time--no extensions necessary.

I'm not sure what's next. I may move out for a little bit--live on my own at a friend's place for something ridiculously affordable for a couple months. Then maybe go to UMD next Spring? Or maybe I'll launch into the rest of my 4year this summer--take a class or two. My parents are getting close to retirement, afterall, and likely won't be as capable of helping me through to the end of undergrad after they do.

Maybe I'll keep wroking at Macy's--not likely, at least not in my current department. Maybe I'll transfer somewhere else in the store. Or maybe I'll finally land that officey job I've been talking about. Get some real money and reasonable, stable hours.

It would be nice to find a stable relationship, or at least go out and meet people regularly. It's been a while since I had a regular boy of any kind. One with staying power. The last one still isn't talking to me, and I don't know for the life of me why. It sucks cuz we didn't end on bad terms or anything. Other boys I've dated recently have usually been bad matches personality/maturity wise. Like, total flakes.

I know part of my problem is "needing" a relationship too badly; too often I'm the guy who's always available, always down to hang, always waiting for you to be available. And guysquickly take advantage of that, likely without realizing it. And I guess it's okay--I've discovered that if we're just too busy to hang or do much in person, I still like to at least hear from you. A text here and there. A phonecall if you can spare a minute. It's selfish, I guess, but it's nice to know that even though things aren't exactly working, you're still thinking of me.

Eh, it's sad, I know. but that's where I'm at.

Other things are going well, though, as I mentioned. I think this uncertainty, though, about where I'm at or heading has me stressed. Like, because I'm sure abou tthat area, i'm worrying more in other areas that're also lacking stability or certainty. So like this stuff with guys? I think i'm looking to compensate for the stress of uncertainty--in my school or work or living arrangement life--with the relief and comfort of a guy I can depend on/fuck on the regular.

Later I'll have to come back and talk about this research project of mine. I'm likely going to develop this paper I just finished into something publishable--either an article or articles or even a book. Maybe I can focus on that (and finding something income-related) for now as things settle out.

Comments

Other things that might interest you...

This moment: A tattoo.

So I read Mrs. Dalloway in high school, and it was perhaps the most beautiful thing I'd ever read. One passage in particular, very early in the book, hit me hard with my first experience of the sublime, and stayed with me—and led at last to my first tattoo.
In people’s eyes, in the swing, tramp, and trudge; in the bellow and the uproar; the carriages, motor cars, omnibuses, vans, sandwich men shuffling and swinging; brass bands; barrel organs; in the triumph and the jingle and the strange high singing of some aeroplane overhead was what she loved; life; London; this moment of June.  (Emphasis added; full paragraph included below. From the full text of the novel as made available by the University of Adelaide.)

The paragraph this is from, the 4th paragraph of the novel, is the 1st passage with the stream of consciousness the book is famous for; although self-limited here, the flow is no less gorgeous. In the passage, Clarissa is walking on a street to get those famous flowers herse…

Losing Doolittle.

I recently got to spend a few days at the lake house my family used to visit through most of my childhood; we no longer own it, and it turns out I missed it more deeply than I realized.

Anthony and I both got the week before NYC Pride off this year, so I contrived to get us a little time there. The cousins who own Greenshore gave Anthony and me permission to relax there for several days rather than just the 1 or 2 I had expected. Good god, I'm grateful for that.

I missed this place. Standing on the balcony, the porch, or the dock and looking out over the lake, I was reminded of the beauty and tranquility this lake represents for me. The meaning and memories, too.

This was always a place of solace and stability for me. We moved around a lot when I was a kid, but we always came back to this place. It had been in our family for generations before I was even born—if we'd been able to keep it, it would have been a solid 4 generations including mine. This was where I figured out I w…

Gardenzia carnivorus.

I recently got back into horticulture after a bad moment of burnout, and wouldn't ya know it, I'm back at it with carnivorous plants! Despite tweeting about it endlessly, I haven't actually explained how or why this started.

Back in middle school, I helped my science teacher set up a carnivorous plant display. Nothing elaborate, mind you; a terrarium with a bunch of sphagnum moss and some pitcher plants, a sundew or two, maybe a Venus flytrap? Didn't leave much of an impression, except maybe that they died and that sucked. shrug.
A couple years later, I was in a bog near my grandmother's lake house, when things changed forever. I was in the back end of the canoe, and as my dad pulled the front end out of the water, I glanced to my right and spied, on a stump with some moss, sundews (Drosera rotundifolia, to be precise).
Of course I recognized therm instantly—they're hard to mistake, with those the sparkling tentacles and all. I gathered 3 or so of them (I know