Skip to main content


The good news is I can still jack off.

I've actually known for a while--in fact, the first night after the surgery. I somewhat surreptitiously attempted it; obviously I was doing it intentionally, and alone in the dark, so the only secretive part was in considering reasons I might refrain from beating off the goods barely 12 hours after they'd been under the knife, but choosing to anyway.

And all systems were go, and came. I paused, though, as I approached climax, (it had already taken a while) not sure if I'd be racked with pain or look down to find blood in my cum, thinking, "If there's going to be a time to stop, a last chance to avoid a risk of anything, of the worst, now is that time," but taking the plunge instead. It had been a while, I guess; it was everywhere. And no blood in the semen or crippling pain!

It's funny, I suppose. I first found the lump while masturbating. I was already at the brink, so there really wasn't much choice to stop and considering what I had was feeling; but as the glow began to fade, and my mind drifted to what to wipe up with, it instead snapped back to what I'd found.

I've been something of a compulsive masturbator for years, at least a decade.I've been assured by reliable persons that it's not quite been to the point of sex addiction or sexual compulsion, but it has been a persistent and exaggerated "stress management". It has even been a thing of shame; the amount of time wasted and life squandered has in the past led me to an almost Freudian fixation that I reeked of dry semen and thus could not go out in public. Madness.

So it's funny to think that's how I found the cancer.

Yes, it is definitely cancer. Technically, they couldn't definitely diagnose it as cancer until they'd had samples under a microscope. Which they've done. Non-seminoma germ cell tumor; as I recall, specifically embryonal carcinoma.

But more on that later.

Perhaps because the area is still tender, nevermind the missing testicle, jacking off has felt a bit uncomfortable. So I haven't really jerked off all that much lately. But I can, which is good I suppose. I imagine though this means I could have sex if I so desired. You know, in case anyone was wondering.


Other things that might interest you...

This moment: A tattoo.

So I read Mrs. Dalloway in high school, and it was perhaps the most beautiful thing I'd ever read. One passage in particular, very early in the book, hit me hard with my first experience of the sublime, and stayed with me—and led at last to my first tattoo. In people’s eyes, in the swing, tramp, and trudge; in the bellow and the uproar; the carriages, motor cars, omnibuses, vans, sandwich men shuffling and swinging; brass bands; barrel organs; in the triumph and the jingle and the strange high singing of some aeroplane overhead was what she loved; life; London; this moment of June .  ( Emphasis added; full paragraph included below. From the full text of the novel as made available by the University of Adelaide. ) The paragraph this is from, the 4th paragraph of the novel, is the 1st passage with the stream of consciousness the book is famous for; although self-limited here, the flow is no less gorgeous. In the passage, Clarissa is walking on a street to get those famous fl

QP: Changes to come, I hope.

My grandmother passed away about 2 weeks ago. I hope to write about her more soon, but for this moment, I want to speak briefly about where I'm at overall: Her passing has led me to reevaluate aspects of my life because I'm realizing that the status quo amounts to just wasting my life away. (This is another "quick post," which means it's a short update that I likely didn't edit and revise quite as much as the more "thoughtful" pieces I aim for. I say this because I'm self-conscious and worry that you, my reader, will judge me!) I'm up in Boston and have today and tomorrow off, and I want to spend at least a portion of each day figuring out (some of) my life. I say this fully aware how often I've variously done so before: asserted a need for change, described how I was going to do it, made an attempt, then fallen off in the follow-through. I'm honestly not sure what to do about that, though. It frustrates me now just as much as eve

Sarracenia 'Ennui.'

I mentioned in a recent post  that even hybrids of the same species can demonstrate disparate variety. Which is the case with the other cultivar I discovered. Yes; there's another. I could go into how this variety among hybrids should surprise no one, but I'm not here to teach you genetics (poorly). No, I want to talk about my other big cultivar-related excitement: Sarracenia 'Ennui,' or so it's being called for now. I guess it's semiofficial now that I've "announced" it in a blog post. Welp. (My main hesitation in calling it this is that the name may already been claimed. But I think it's an  awesome  name for a plant and peculiarly kind of perfect for this one: It's got this muted glamour that feels not only somehow French but also weirdly existential...?) I found this beauty at Meadowview Biological Research Station . The other half of the main plant can still be found there, by the way, and that nursery has a gorgeous array of o