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Rites of coffee.

It's time we talked about coffee--because this is important and it matters. This won't take long, but pay attention, it might get tricky.

There are at least three kinds of coffee throughout the day. They are First Coffee, Second Coffee, and Backup Coffee. Some people do more, some fools do less.

First Coffee is the best named, and perhaps most literally named, thing in all Creation. It comes First, before anything else. It is bae. Many cannot function without First Coffee; others take it as mere ritual, oblivious to its sublime significance. Fools.

Pretentious mug.
For me, I don't count my actual first coffee (usually a cold mug of leftover coffee when I get up) because it is lame to do so; the Real First Coffee or First Real Coffee takes place when I get to work, at around 10 am. While my computer is booting up, I grab my pretentious mug and proceed to the coffee maker. And the blessings be upon me, my day has begun auspiciously.

Second Coffee varies: It is a bit trickier to place as it is sometimes perfunctory, sometimes necessitated. Sometimes it follows First Coffee because the mug is empty, and one is thirsty. Sometimes First Coffee proves insufficient (horror!), and another coffee is required.

I usually take Second Coffee around noon, perhaps with my lunch or because I was thirsty. There have been times, though, when Second Coffee proved heroic; when my brain was simply unresponsive, but Second Coffee saved me. Those times are when Second Coffee really shines.

Backup Coffee is perhaps more an optional coffee than a true requisite for Daily Ritual and Functioning. But it still warrants respect and recognition because sometimes, midafternoon or later, one's spirits falter, one's abilities slacken. Backup Coffee becomes necessary, then; Backup Coffee makes all the difference, then. One will be grateful for having counted Backup Coffee among its esteemed brethren.

The trouble is, Backup Coffee demands a certain respect. Take Backup Coffee too late in the day, and one may face sleeplessness; too early, the jitters.

These coffees and their taxonomy may seem trivial; they may seem overwrought. But they matter, and it is important to give them the respect they deserve for their Great Service. Also, coffee is amazing.

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